Tracy Allen Parks 1.1

sadly, i have not posted recently.  i was busy dealing with personal things as well as just a general malaise that grows from a lack of goals or diminishing ones.  most of my time seems to be wrapped around nothing.  i know this sounds like nothing and nothing to worry about, but it is something that does nothing.  nothing is the lack of something, the absence of purpose, the bleakness in a black corridor that goes nowhere.

i have absolutely no idea what i just wrote.  it’s all mind numbing tedium and bullshit.  i think i need a break, but not the typical break where one is resting and doing nothing.  i need a break from nothing.  i need to do something and go somewhere. often times i see a lost and lonely road in the middle of the desert, vast, treeless, and devoid of any landmarks or scenery.  i need to be in a place where there are things to see and things to do, far from the emptiness.

my recent trip to portland was interesting.  the land of my birth that i have not seen since i was an infant.  strangely, i saw places in portland that have come to me in dreams. were they locked memories, or perhaps a sign? only time will tell.

~adieu

i made here to california in fairly good shape.  the flight was mostly smooth.  i do hate turbulence and i dislike flying in general.  i did make it to cali safe and sound though, so i guess it was a great flight.  i spent most of friday with my mom.  she needed a new monitor for her computer and needed me to help her pick one out.  she ended up getting a whole brand new computer.  i wasn’t expecting that .  so i spent most of the day on friday setting it up for her and getting all her old stuff on there and making the new one work for her.  later that night, diana and the boys stopped by and we all had some fun.  found out that tristian and her love playing plants vs. zombies.  tristian  ended up staying over night, which was very special to me.

saturday was tristian’s actual birthday.  we woke up and i took him to see ‘how to train your dragon’.  it was a special screening for children with special needs.  they left the house lights on low and turned the volume down on the movie itself.  there weren’t that many kids there but all that were there were autistic or some other type of special needs.  diana, jaiden, david, and david’s mother, joan were all there. we all caught up on things over some starbucks after the movie.  later i took tristian to my mom’s and after a bit of father son time, we went out to the lego store to get him his birthday present.  we played a bit in the store.  ended up making a house.  afterwards we had a birthday pizza at round table and talked.  well talked as well as a 7 year old and i can talk to each other.  he expressed that he misses me and wants me to move here with him.  i told him i was planning on doing just that, because i love him and miss him dearly.  we met up with diana and jaiden in santa ana for their haircuts.  jaiden was not happy about getting his.  i felt so bad for the lady doing her best to cut his hair.  he was screaming and trying to run away.  the noise and the feeling of the clippers and the hair on his skin upsets him to the point of tears.  di is a wonderful and patient mother.  i don’t know how she does it. i guess she has no choice.

today is tristian’s party at chuck e cheese.  its also the last day i get to see the boys.  tomorrow i am off to portland  to be with alexa.  we shall be driving back to south florida from there.  a journey that will probably take about 3 days.  i am really excited about seeing her and being with her again.  i am also fascinated about being in the city of my birth for the first time since i was born. it’s almost a spiritual journey for me.

I sit here outside in a park near my home looking at the clouds in the sky. It is Easter Sunday and I wanted to be outside. For I have been inside an office and inside my home for what seems like forever. This Thursday I will be in California visiting my sons, my mom, and the few friends that are still in southern California. Not to mention the fact that I’m not sure when or how I will be returning. Alexa may end up meeting me in California and if that is the case, we will be driving back together over the very same route I took to get here. I miss her and I love her and I do want her to be here with me. I am uncertain about if the journey will happen or not. I do have a return ticket home, but everything is still up in the air.
Granted life is up in the air. Always in motion, just like the wind as it pushes the clouds in the sky. You can never truely predict the outcome. Oh you might be able to guess or infer, but you can never know.
I guess I am just aprehensive about not really knowing. I’ve come to a point in my life that I realize I don’t really know. I just need to accept it – because there is no certainty in life – and I need to do the best I can and make the most of my life.

a great deal happened that i am just too tired and emotionally drained to go into. i have a feeling of loss that i was not expecting. but then does anyone really expect a loss? i am sad. i feel broken.
i hope tomorrow will bring a brighter day.

…works of art with a minimum of steel…

the holidays often bring a deluge of feelings of sadness and melancholy.  i guess i am no different.  the only thing i have going on in my life is work – which i enjoy – but it is rather an empty joy.  in many respects i have not accomplished much in my personal life.  being single has its privileges of freedom, but they are hollow answers to unspoken questions.

the holidays coinciding with winter only seem to bring a backdrop of emptiness and a metaphor for death or an end.  it is the end of a year. end of the tranquil warmth of hope and home.  the cold creeps in and takes hold.

~adieu