Every once in a while, I will have this dream. I am at the bottom of this steep hill in a residential area. I have never been able to climb it. Could never walk up to the top. I just had the dream again. This time, the hill wasn’t as steep and I made it to the top. I could see all around me as far as the eye could see.
I made it.
a great deal happened that i am just too tired and emotionally drained to go into. i have a feeling of loss that i was not expecting. but then does anyone really expect a loss? i am sad. i feel broken.
i hope tomorrow will bring a brighter day.
seemingly appropriate that this is my 500th post for my blog since i started it so long ago. i only found out when i loaded a new post screen. well this post is not about anything to do with this being my 500th post. this has everything to do with love. love for a wonderful lady. alexa is this lady. what can be said about her? she keeps me on my toes and inspires me. i have had a hard time the past couple of years to get back into the groove of writing and being generally creative. i found myself spiraling down into a field of bland things with blah feelings. then she came into my life and made me see the colours again.
i feel positive about alexa and the hold she has on my heart. every day is a new day and everyday i look forward to seeing her. i also look forward to making beautiful music together. i know that’s a cliché, but in this instance, i mean it literally.
tot ce ai nevoie este dragostea.
~adieu
sometimes things happen in your life or people happen in your life that change you. they add something to you or point out something to you. sometimes all they need to do is make you think. they become a force that cannot be ignored. i have spent many of my nights talking with such a person. the result being that i need to do things. to get the cobwebs off of me and motivate me to focus on the things that i love to do like writing, creating music, and film.
but more importantly, i need to finish what i start. to focus and be the best i can be at something before moving on to another interest. i can tend to be everywhere and all over the place. this is not good and i have realised it myself. it is a bad habit that is great for my work while putting out fires and fixing everything that is breaking. but for goal orientated and the creation of projects that are more creative, focus is prime.
with this i will strive to be more focused.
~adieu
…works of art with a minimum of steel…
the holidays often bring a deluge of feelings of sadness and melancholy. i guess i am no different. the only thing i have going on in my life is work – which i enjoy – but it is rather an empty joy. in many respects i have not accomplished much in my personal life. being single has its privileges of freedom, but they are hollow answers to unspoken questions.
the holidays coinciding with winter only seem to bring a backdrop of emptiness and a metaphor for death or an end. it is the end of a year. end of the tranquil warmth of hope and home. the cold creeps in and takes hold.
~adieu
i had to come to the new office today to unlock it for the cable installer. right next door is a starbucks so i thought i would drop by here for a bit of relaxation after everything. my week was spent with a head cold or the flu or something. i was dizzy and nauseous on sunday and sick monday. felt better tuesday and wednesday but thursday i caught a head cold. today i am feeling much better (with the exception of a headache).
monday night susanna called me. it had been so long since i heard from her and we just had a great heartfelt conversation about everything that was going on with our lives. catching up as friends do. unfortunately, it seems we cannot remain as such.
most of the week i spent at home trying my best not to infect anyone else, though i did manage to get carmen and carole ann sick which led to carole ann’s father getting sick. though they did manage to get the tree up sick and without me. a feat to be sure even when one is well.
i sold my main windows pc to a co-worker for a bit of cash. i really didnt need it anymore since i got the mac for my birthday. im hoping i can use the money to go out and see the kids for the holidays or near there. it really depends upon my work schedule.
well, it is a beautiful day today. i think i am going to go out and enjoy it. remember, there is only ever one November 15th, 2009. make the most of it before it disappears forever.
~adieu
everywhere i go
and everything i do
i seem to find something
that reminds me of you
the cold winds of autumn are blowing in from the north. a chill has descended upon the tiny tropical state of florida. the leaves have fallen from the branches of the trees. the flesh of vegetation removed revealing naked skeletal arms that reach up to the cold night sky. a new season is upon us. after many months of hot and humid weather, jack frost has finally made a visit.
of course weather is changing all over the globe. frost and chilly weather is all the rage to the north, but here is another story. last week and up until today, the weather has been beyond bearable. now we are at a calming point. a tranquil rest from the hazards of the heat.
autumn is upon us.
~adieu
A fugue state, formally Dissociative Fugue (previously called Psychogenic Fugue) (DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders 300.13[1]), is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity. After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, however there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode. Importantly, an episode is not characterized as a fugue if it can be related to the ingestion of psychotropic substances, to physical trauma, to a general medical condition, or to psychiatric conditions such as delerium or dementia, bipolar disorder or depression. Fugues are usually precipitated by a stressful episode, and upon recovery there may be amnesia for the original stressor (Dissociative Amnesia).
i havent posted in some time. it is difficult to do so when time is fleeting. i have been swamped with work from, well, work that i havent had time for myself. seems like this is the first time ive had to myself in quite sometime. unfortunately i find myself so wrapped up and busy that i have nothing to write about. well nothing significantly important. the more i work the more boring i get and the less i have time to let my mind wander.
is this what happens when one gets older? we let life runaway with us and forget how to use our imaginations and lose our creativity? i can recall being such a prodigious writer when i was younger. i find myself struggling now. things were so much easier then. i am not saying it was all good. some of it if not most was just fodder for the furnace. so many times lately i find myself wanting so much to just ‘do it’. to just sit down for hours on end and write. paint pictures with words. to take the reader places they have never been before.
i hope that i can break the bonds that restrict me. i hope that i am not the only reader of my tales.
~adieu
