Every once in a while, I will have this dream. I am at the bottom of this steep hill in a residential area. I have never been able to climb it. Could never walk up to the top. I just had the dream again. This time, the hill wasn’t as steep and I made it to the top. I could see all around me as far as the eye could see.
I made it.
recently my thoughts have been weighing quite heavy upon me. i feel somewhat powerless to put myself where i wish to be. the crux of the matter is that i deeply miss someone special to me. in books and in movies the hero would gallantly chase after his love in a near stalking manner (or so it always seems to me when i do see a movie like this). even though this might seem romantic in the movie, it’s hardly practical and in this case, would do more harm than good. more importantly, it is just a movie after all and not something real.
this is not to say i don’t spend most of my waking hours with her on my mind. every time i play my favourite music, or an opera, or read a book, grab some starbucks, look up something on a map, take a walk in the park, or even visit a bookstore, i think of her. although these things may seem silly to most, they mean a great deal to me.
there were a couple of books she sent to me. the author of which is anne michaels. after reading the second book i made an observation of a common theme in both books. the theme being about loss. in ‘fugitive pieces’ the protagonist is a small jewish boy fleeing the nazis. he loses his family, his homeland, his culture. as he becomes an adult, he loses his wife and his surrogate father.
in winter vault – although i must say i only read the first half as it became increasingly difficult emotionally speaking to continue – the entire story is about loss of homelands and entire people being ripped from their lives, their culture, their homes. the protagonist loses his wife, his child, his father, and through out the book little stories of his family and of his wife’s family fleeing war in europe or persecution and losing their lives they once had.
i had a hard time truely understanding the pain of loss whilst reading these books. i never really had a home to lose and my family has never been close. although i do understand loss, i never really understood the reality of it – the weight of it – until recently.
life presses on as it always does.
no matter if it does or not. i still miss her.
~adieu
